My leg is stinging and it is by far the most delicious pain I have felt in a while. I'm perfectly aware of how sick that sounds, but I see no point in lying here. My mothing is infuriating. I love her, but if I turn out anything like her I think I will end up peeling my scalp from my skull. I can't stand that woman. Her entire life is dictated by her feelings, with little to no regard for any outside factors. My leg still stings. I'm a little afraid of the resulting scab/scar, but it calms me so I think it may be worth it. It calms me. Calm. Me. I'm almost num with this zen feeling. It's like when I would purge and then not be able to feel parts of my face or fingertips for a few hours. I would sit on the floor for hours and not feel anything. I love the feeling of not feeling. I don't know if that love makes sense to anyone but me. I'm sometimes afraid of the destruction I'm capable of. Self-destruction, I mean. If numbness is what I'm after, there are all too manny horrific ways to achieve it. My leg still stings. I can hear my mother shuffling papers in the other room. She's purpously doing it loud enough for me to hear her. It's one of those petty, immature, passive aggressive things she does to make herself seem less needy. At times, she is so needy that I honestly believe she will choke on her own necessities.

I'm getting coffee with the boy tomorrow. By some fate of the universe we share the same free period. It's sad how much I look forward to those forty minute, but it honestly brightens up my day. My mother is breaking my concentration with her existance. Her need takes up too much space. I want to smother her with it. My blood is boiling again. She's clanking dishes just to make a point. I forgot to do the dishes, that's what she's saying with every single determines clank. Passive aggressive bitch. My leg is stinging.
/rant
So, the boy. I don't actually know how I feel about him yet. I haven't disclosed to anyone that I'm teetering on romantic feelings for him. I think I'll surprise myself. I just want to wrap myself around his lanky form. I want to lay with him on his bed drinking coffee and listen to him talking passionately about foreign policy. I want to periodically call him out on cracking his knuckles and have him playfully act annoyed. I wand him to hold my hand in his while we ice skate. I hope I like him, if I don't I will be disappointed.

I have the strongest urge to peel off my skin and sleep for a few years. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I know that I snapped at you, and I'm sorry. All I ever fucking wanted was for you to care. No, sorry, that's wrong. All I ever wanter was for SOMEONE to care. It didn't have to be you, I know that now, so don't go feeling too special. You didn't have a hold on me. I wanted to talk to you. I won't lie about that. I just need to keep reminding myself that all I really am is lonely.
I'm pretty pathetic. I invented this elaborate story to tell you if you ever asked me what was wrong. I started to believe the story myself. I want sympathy from you. I want something from you, someone, anything, everything and everyone. I want it from you. I need to be with someone. I can't do this alone. I crave the physical contact. The affection makes me skin tingle. I miss that.
I'm fucking annoyed by this. I'm fucking annoyed by you and everythinig. Just give me a minute. I need my eighteen inches of personal space.

i hate him....
ihatehimihatehimihatehim
why do i still like him? WHY? I NEED TO GET OVER THIS!!
its unhealthy.

so maybe i enjoy having someone there. a warm body next to mine. a hand to hold. a shoulder to lean on. is there anything wrong with that? im not saying that i dont like him, im saying that i like him more because he likes me. i just... love not being totally alone. its a warm feeling.
as for aje, emma says that he just wants to "get in my pants". im not sure if i think thats true. hes always saying that i have the best personality out of any girl. not that i have the best body or the prettiest face, but that im the nicest. im not pretty like nancy and emma, i dont have to worry about people only liking me for my looks. im not pretty enough for that. i guess thats one advantage to being ugly: people will never use me because im pretty. sometimes i get jealous of my friends for being so pretty but i guess its fine the way it is. when im older ill just go to the gym (im not allowed until im 16 and then im going every day) and get facials or something. maybe by then my skin wont be so bad. iono, i have to hold out some sort of hope that my appearence might some day improve. is it horrible that it means so much to me? i guess it is. but its the first thing that people see. its how i have to see myself. i need it to be better.
i dont like aje but that doesnt mean that i dont like things about him, or that i dont like things about me with him. i can be myself around him. he has seen me at some of my worst, meanest, irrational and bitchyest moments and for whatever reason he still tolerates me. how am i supposed to know that derek will like me when he gets to know me better? maybe thats what im really afraid of, him losing interest. its quite a possible future occurance. iono, this is just me thinking in type.
im so sick of people asking if we're going out. its so irritating. im so sick of people being like "ohhh, sorry i didnt mean to bother you guys. clearly youre... busy" its like, gee thanks, way to make things akward. we never even have real conversations. we never really get a chance. people are always there to fuck things up. sometimes i look at us objectively and think "wow, we just dont work. but maybe thats why its so good." maybe hes just different enough to be the thing that i need right now. i feel like i need to officially go out with someone to be over aje for once and all. i need to get over him. i was just so caught up with him for so long that its hard to know if i really am, or if i really ever will be. im so used to his being around. im so used to his voice and all the retarded shit he does. its probably better that we're just friends. i have derek now; who knows what that could turn out to be?

the depression was haunting me today. i constantly felt as if i were beating at a dark cloud that was threaatening to consume me. i hate it. im not allowed to be depressed on my birthday so instead, i allowed everyone else their sadness while i consoled all of them and ignored my own pains. wow, i sound bitter, but im really not. i love all of my friends for the wonderful day they created. i even got some unexpected presents. derek's was nice cause i had totally forgotten it. i commented on a ruler that he had and told him he better get me one for my birthday. OMG HE REMEMBERED!!!! <333 i had even forgotten. lol. i really love how nice he is. that, however, doesnt mean that i dont still have feelings for aje. it seems like lately everytime i look at him, the feelings get stronger. i cannot believe that this is happening again and im fighting it with all of the strength that i have. how is it that every time i break up with him i feel as if the feelings have died but only a few months later they creep up and attack me from behind. no, its not going to happen this time. im no going to get sucked into a self-destructive relationship cycle.

purged. again. wow im pathetic.
i really dont want to do this... but i dont know how to stop
i have so many things to do
im talking to dexter right now.. he really likes this girl
all i can think is...
dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt. dont get hurt.
i really dont want him to hurt
but its something that cant be avoided

friends only,
comment to be added